The Ugly American Report 14: An Ugly American Valentine

If you were expecting a lot of love from me on Valentine’s Day… you really don’t understand how the Ugly American operates yet. I have plenty of over bloated rage to spew, but just to mix it up a bit I’ve decided to pick on DC a little bit, since Marvel tends to be the usual target.

So, I recently bought my copy of DC animated Dark Knight Returns part 2. Nothing wrong with that, by the way. I haven’t read the source material in a few years, so I can’t comment on how well it actually jives with Miller’s original. Nothing stuck out as a major departure as compared to my recollection, though, and what I saw was quite good.

The Dark Knight is a fine piece of both meta and social commentary. It’s meta in that DK demonstrates how dreary and unfun the superhero concept gets when you insert it into a more realistic backdrop. Superman becomes a tool of The Man, and I think the absurdity of the superhero concept is most poignantly demonstrated when Bruce chuckles to Clark; “We’ve always been criminals.” Because they always have been. There’s really only two ways for that whole thing to go in the real world: 1) They take over. (See- Authority: Ellis, Warren) or 2) They become fugitives of the state or watch dogs for it. (see: everything else that attempts realism)

It’s also exceptional in that it represents an actual piece of social commentary, and not just Lefty Propaganda. Pretty much every last comic book you’re reading right now is a manifesto of Donkey Kool-Aid, and frankly, the taste is getting bitter to me. It’s probably worth a column in the near future, actually. But I digest.

The point is that in 1986, Frank Miller was carrying around an observational shot gun, there were live rounds in the chamber, and he was letting everyone have it. Reagan looks like an asshole in this. The fuzzy bunnies defending psychopaths with New Age bullshit look like assholes in this. None of it reads like it was coming from a politician’s teleprompter talking points. When Frank hits you in 1986, it feels fresh and it hurts. I recommend the DKR animated movies.

But that’s not what I wanted to bitch about. I wanted to bitch about the free stuff they offered me in this video. Exhibit A: how about the free digital comic included! That sounds pretty exciting, right? It has to be, look at that snazzy coupon!

But now take a look at the fine print:
“while supplies last”??? Wha huh??? Correct me if I’m wrong, but a great portion of the digital comic’s advantage is that there are no goddamn supplies. The supply is…infinite. This is more absurd than the ocean offering you saltwater while supplies last. Technically, eventually the ocean will eventually exhaust its water inventory.

I’m not at all sure what that asterisk is doing there, either. It would make some kind of textual sense if there were an asterisk by the “To access your Digital Comic”, and then at the bottom of the coupon there was a corresponding asterisk that said “while supplies last”. Again, it wouldn’t make any actual sense, because they’d still be talking about running out their infinite supply of digital comics.

But that’s not what’s happening. They’ve got an asterisk there, and nothing else on the page with an asterisk to further explain the ridiculous premise inside those parentheses. You know, if on the bottom of the coupon it said something like “*offer expires 4/15/2015”, that would be something. It wouldn’t strictly salvage the “supply” logic, but it would suffice to obey the laws of asterisks used as footnotes. And why exactly are the words “digital comics” in capital letters? None of it makes a lick of sense, and in fact that digital coupon takes all common sense and uses it as a diaper.

Since Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, I thought I’d take a whack at:

Young Romance: New 52 Valentines Day Special # 1 (DC Comics)
This little beauty contains “six love stories from all corners of the DC Universe” according to the cover. It also says $7.99 on the cover. I think it says that because they want you to pay them that much money for it. Yeeeessssh. Not off to a good start.

Ultimately, this is not actually six love stories of blah-bitty-blah-blah, though, it’s a marketing decision to publish any old rag with “Young Romance” on the cover so they don’t lose said trademark. How romantic is that? I know I’m wet. Capitulating to established intellectual property regulations? That’s hot.

The first story features Catwoman. Now, the solicitation says this:
“Following the events of 'Death in the Family,' how can Catwoman ease Batman's troubled soul?”
I’m sure Bruce has some ideas on the subject, but that’s not what the tale is about at all. Ann Nocenti has Selina on a rooftop with a bunch of stolen paintings offering up the least smooth memory segue of the past decade. “Me on a rooftop with no getaway driver….that reminds me of the ol’ Sunnyside Job, also featuring a partner that's useless, also on the 14th of February.” OK.

But it gets worse. As Selina heads down memory lane, Batman shows up and starts spouting off the least authentic Batman dialogue ever printed. He actually tells Catwoman’s sidekick that he’s got “huge spunk.” Batman has never EVER said “huge spunk” in his life, unless maybe Evan Stone blurted it out in that XXX Batman movie. I wouldn’t know, because I didn’t watch that one. I leave that to my esteemed colleague Miracle Keith.

Selina is instantly smitten by all the spunk talk, of course. “He’s a big bully, but he’s sexy.” Of course he is. Batman then proceeds to scold Ms. Kyle on her thieving ways. Some dreck about the horrors of taking a television that represents the center of a poor person’s world. “The quicker you learn that—the faster you’ll make your way over to my side. To me.” That sound like any Batman you’ve ever known? Me neither.

Then it’s over, by the way. No epiphany, no turning point, no improbable turn of events that mirror her recollections and deepen the character. Just Catwoman sitting on a roof thinking to herself “I sure do remember when that really horrible dialogue happened”. The end. Blcchh.

Then there’s the Batgirl story. I use the word “story” loosely here. A guy named Ricky is stumbling around Gotham with a crow bar breaking into vehicles in the hopes that Batgirl will show up so that he can make out with her again. I’ll stop for a moment and let that sink in for you.

OK. Of course Batgirl does show up, at which time, Ricky maintains that he totally wasn’t actually going to steal that car, and Barbara believes him. Then a couple of scallywags show up out of the blue, call Ricky a “rat”, and imply that they mean to apply physical violence toward Ricky and his new little girlfriend, Batgirl. Batgirl beats the snot out of them.

At which point Ricky says “Hey, remember when we made out before? We should totally do that again.” Naturally, Batgirl agrees to this, and is super impressed with the guy’s kissing technique. I’m not kidding about any of this. I wish I was.

I’d like to say that this is the most pathetic tale of “romance” I’ve ever been subjected to, but the tragic truth is that reality is far, far worse. At least these two crazy kids are out there doing things and introducing actual bacteria into each other’s mouth.

In the real world, nothing is real, certainly not love. That’s way too dangerous to approach in anything other than imaginary computerland. In the real world you’ve got a lot of texting and sexting and a lot of having your male Samoan friend make up a hot female profile picture on Facebook, and that will be the Love Of Your Life. You don’t even really talk to her on the phone, (although the Samoan friend is SPOOKY good at it) and you sure as shit don’t go to her funeral when you hear that she’s died. True Love has less validity now than a 1970s pet rock. Good luck with that, y’all.

Young Romance wasn’t all bad, though. Also included were a series of cardboard punch-out valentines, old school style. Stuff like Robin saying “I get a side-kick out of you.” Buddy Baker says “You bring out the animal in me.” So TERRIBLE, and so, so wonderful!

Perfectly reminiscent of a day in which you actually handed these little cards and tiny candy hearts that tasted like chalk to girls. And your actual heart would pound! And you could steal an actual kiss behind the piano in Miss Hermerding’s class, and there were fleshy humans involved! Sure, the stakes were higher, because if it went sideways you couldn’t just make it go away by turning your goddamn phone off. Any way. Cardboard Valentines get an A+ , the rest of Young Romance fails spectacularly.
So that’s that, folks. The moral of the story is this – on Valentines Day, turn your phone off, grab a crow bar, and start breaking into vehicles. The heart is your playground at that point. Have at it!