The Ugly American Report #21: Easter Edition

I had half a mind to take a few more shots at the Bunnies this week, seeing as how a small contingent really embarrassed themselves reacting to the supposedly imminent death of John Stewart. But you know what? It’s Easter, man. I’m going to give the rascals a break, which will also probably come as a relief to at least five of my seven readers. More comics, less ideology this week, kids. Whew!

Of course there was other big news this week, by which I mean big news in the least newsiest manner possible. I’m speaking of course about the alleged Angela appearance at the end of Age of Ultron.

Reason why this isn’t news # 1: It Could Be Nonsense

It wasn’t that long ago that Dan Slott was pretending to accidentally send tweets to his artist in order to take the dogs off the Doctor Octopus scent and send them over to Spider-Man 2099’s house. So it wouldn’t be entirely out of bounds to suspect foul play on this whole Angela business.

Honestly, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. (not that it would have to as regards Marvel in general or BM Bendis in particular) I’m not reading Age of Ultron, but I’m immersed enough to understand the generalities of what’s going on over there. I guess I really don’t see that story as lending itself to an angelic deus ex machina. If you were going to do something with alternative realities and big splashes, Miracleman would be a more sensible, stronger play. Gaiman’s involvement would still make sense.

This feels like a red herring to me, and not worth paying attention to.

Reason why this isn’t news # 2: Who Gives a Crap About Angela?

Let’s imagine for a moment that it’s true, and Angela does appear at the end of Age of Ultron and then does a guest-shot tour of the Marvel Universe. Ummmm….who cares? If this were baseball, Angela hasn’t played in a decade, didn’t get more than 150 big league at bats, and hit about .179 when she did play. Not really sure about why a 2013 call-up would be very exciting for the home crowd.

Think about it – can you even name three character traits? And “scantily clad harlot-looking angel” doesn’t count. I mean actual character traits. I vaguely remember her as being a really dour, monotone bitch. This makes it about 63% more likely that I’d want to date her in real life, but not a big draw for my reading list. There’s nothing there. Angela isn’t news.

Reason why this isn’t new # 3: Neil Gaiman…(deep breath)…hasn’t been Neil Gaiman lately

Oh, you quickly rebut, maybe Angela herself doesn’t intrinsically bring value to the table, but it means Neil Gaiman, man! Jackpot!

Except, not really. I put Sandman at the top of the all-time list, ahead of Watchmen, ahead of Dark Knight, and Maus, and everything. But since then? I enjoyed 1602 well enough, but Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader was a bit underwhelming and that Eternals series is rubbish.

Sandman means I’m always giving the guy some benefit of the doubt. I’m of the opinion that you can make almost anything work if executed correctly, so there’s no reason why an event laced with Angela couldn’t end up making sense and being enjoyable. It won’t be, but not out of cosmic necessity. But that’s as far as my excitement goes on the issue – it’s possible that it won’t be complete excrement. That’s not news.

At this point, secrets aren’t news, and it baffles me that Marvel and DC are still trying to hang stories around them any more. Reality check: there’s a small but feverish segment of the population that wants all of their Christmas presents in July, plus there’s an internet. That means the secret business is over. But don’t take my word for it, just look at…….eeeeeeeeeeeevery single fucking thing you’ve tried to keep under wraps for the past DECADE. My math is bad, but I have you guys down for 0 for your last 3,217 attempts. This is not a good ratio.

What might constitute news (assuming again that the Angela bit is true) is the inclusion of a privately owned character inside of the Marvel machinery. It’s not entirely unprecedented, because I think Kirkman slapped Invincible inside of a Marvel Team-Up story.

But usually these crossover appearances are strictly negotiated in contained material outside of the regular continuity. Now, I don’t know what kind of deal Gaiman struck with Marvel, if any. Maybe this Angela appearance is pro-bono. Knowing a little bit about Gaiman…that just doesn’t sound right. If she’s in the books, he’s getting a piece of it.

For the record, I have no problem with that. He’s Neil goddamn Gaiman, this is America, and whatever he negotiates with the Great Whore of Babylon is his by right. I hope he’s getting six figures up front, and 10 points on the back.

But if I were a Marvel creator, and I just saw some guy walk in and get a piece of the action, I would really start to wonder why that kind of thing couldn’t happen for more people than Neil Gaiman. I might start to wonder why it wasn’t happening for say, everybody. And that could be positively revolutionary. And that would be news.

In the meantime, if you watch me very closely, you’ll observe me not giving a shit about Age of Ultron. The last event that I bought front to back? That would be Civil War. Every now and again I check in for an issue to review it, or just to take the temperature. So occasionally I’ll grab an issue of Siege or Fear Itself, grab it by the testicles, ask it to cough. Then it’ll ask why I’m holding on so long, and I’ll say “Hey, buddy, who’s the doctor here?” Then I diagnose it with acute lack of authenticity and a severe interest deficit, throw it in the trash and go about my day.

Saga

Then there’s Saga. What a glorious, wonderful beast she is!

I don’t think I’ve seen a book get sucked off quite so thoroughly or widely since Langridge and Samnee did Thor: Mighty Avenger. It’s in some rarefied critical air, and it mostly deserves it. It totally deserves it.

But it also kinda shouldn’t work at all. Quite a few elements in Saga are aggressively stupid. Wooden rocket ships are really dumb. Wooden rocket ships that burn their fuel are just completely moronic. But that’s Saga. Pregnant robots with televisions for heads…yikes. Silly. If you had your fourth graders build a science fiction tale, that’s what they’d come up with.

It’s not just the trappings, either. The story mechanics, the nuts and bolts are off. The beginning of issue # 11 makes the cliff-hanger ending of # 10 a total bullshit cheat, and a cheat that Vaughan never bothers explaining. There’s very little that’s happened that won’t instantly cave in if you apply the slightest logical pressure. Alana and Marko are pretty adorable but not spectacularly competent people. They should have been dead ages ago, and the longer the story strings itself out, the more credulity gets stretched.

So why does Saga work? It works because I don’t think I’ve ever observed a work of art in any medium that embraces the totality of life like Saga does. I find myself in awe of how quietly pornographic this comic is. Pornographic is probably too loaded a word, but I don’t know what to replace it with. It’s not exactly porn, because that word tends to absorb the entire reality. Porn is either purely physical sex, or its purely physical sex with intermittent filler fluff in between. Sometimes you’ll tolerate the fluff, I don’t know, to prove that you’re not a bad person? I don’t know. The point of the porn is to get to the sex.

That’s not what Saga does at all. The point of Saga is not to get to the sex, but since sex is an important part of life, it gets a fairly constant starring role. There are a lot more dicks and balls in Saga then you’re likely to find anywhere outside of a men’s locker room. This latest issue begins with coitus and a post-coital conversation that reveals that Alana uttered an inter-coital “Please shoot it in my twat”.

That’s not grand-standing, exactly, that’s what people say. So that’s what Saga does. Vaughan isn’t a moron; he knows when he’s breaking the rules and shocking readers out of complacency. But again, the point isn’t porn, the point is life. Saga is about breaking out of dull jobs, the fear and joy of babies, losing loved ones, dealing with odd in-laws, coming into contact with sexual norms outside of your comfort zone, violence, culture clashing, bad break-ups, and giant balls. Just like your life.

Saga works because it is operating at a level of intimacy few comics ever consider approaching. While it often fails miserably at obeying convention, its emotional truths are unmatched in the medium. If you just give in to it, Saga will walk you through every facet of the human condition with courage and clarity. That’s a pretty good reason to read a comic book. If you’re an adult, you probably owe it to yourself to at least try Saga.

As always, please leave your comments below. 

Ugly American # 15: Playing the Orson Scott Card!

Before I get rolling with my USRDA of vitriol, a couple items about helping people. Quick update on Peter David – he is back home, and walking after a fashion. If you have any experience with strokes, you’ll know that the recovery process takes a lot of work and a lot of time.

Plus, there are medical bills. Those are not fun. What is fun? How about a pile of original comic book art work supplied by friends of PAD in a benefit auction? The selection runs the gamut…Hulk, Fallen Angel, Spider-Man 2099, X-Factor, you name it. I’ve got my eye on an original Layla piece. If that’s something that interests you, here’s the central site that Fallen Angel artist JK Woodward set up. If original art is out of your price range, hey, you can always donate at PAD’s blog in any amount, and by all means spread the word! The proceeds from these items are going directly to David’s medical costs. It’s something you can feel good about contributing to.

CBLDF Reward Zone
I’d also like to direct your attention to the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund. I know it doesn’t sound sexy, but you must see to believe the items they have available there! I recently purchased a copy of Saga Volume 1, personalized by Bryan K Vaughan. They also sent me a really high quality Valentine card complete with gorgeous Fiona Staples artwork. You can get one of these as well…for $25. That’s a ridiculous steal.

So how did I get my book personalized? Glad you asked:

Needless to say, this is not quite what I asked for. I would never claim to be the “Loudest Swain” of anything. I don’t want to tell tales out of school or anything, but that Dominique Swain is a bit of a screamer. You heard it here first.

Now, some Louden Swains of Podcasting might be disappointed that the inscription didn’t quite get there, but not this one. Obscure references that fail to land are kind of my thing. So the only scenario better than getting it right is getting it wrong. I will always cherish that book. By the way, it was about a week between ordering and delivery. That’s pretty good for any shipped item. For a personalized one? Off the charts efficiency.

There’s a ton of Paul Pope stuff at the CBLDF reward zone right now, and how about that Fear Agent print signed by EC legend Jack Davis! They want $30 for that. Are you kidding me?

These items are just cool to own, they are priced attractively, and the fact that the money is going to defend free expression and comic books makes it even sweeter.

Don’t ever fool yourself into thinking the First Amendment is going to defend itself. The right to speak freely is constantly under attack - now more than ever, in fact. There will always exist a vile segment of humanity that would love to wipe everything that isn’t their position out of existence. These days, that group masks their evil in a quasi-genius tapestry of impossibly soft fur, long ears, and long whiskers. They are Soft…Fuzzy…Bunnies. And they are not your friend. Speak of the devil….

Orson Scott Card Shenanigans
DC Comics hired Orson Scott Card to write the first couple of chapters of Superman Adventures, and the Fuzzy Bunnies had a conniption over this, because Card has publicly declared his opposition to homosexuality generally and gay marriage specifically.

Couple things before we move on. I’ll briefly share my thoughts on the subject as “truth in advertising”, so that you’ll know where I’m coming from. I think homosexuality is fantastic. I want more gay people of every stripe. I like the Lipstick Lesbian, the Diesel Dyke, the Closet Queer, the Flamboyant Flamer, and everything in-between. I might have a different opinion if the species were in danger of extinction or something. Turns out we have a few too many billion people on this rock, so I’m quite comfortable with the idea of lots of gay folks.

And as far as marriage goes? Have at it, I guess. If you’re that into suffering that you want to lock in for an eternity, sure. Go ahead. As long as the people involved are adults willfully entering into said lifetime contract of misery, I won’t be the one to stop you. This issue actually came up for a vote here in Minnesota in November, and I quite happily cast my vote in the direction of allowing gay marriage. I’m telling you this so that you’ll understand that I’m about to defend free speech, not sublimate some kind of homophobia.

The Fuzzy Bunnies want Card fired, because his views make them uncomfortable, and that’s their answer to everything. If something makes you feel emotionally oogey inside, then it must be eradicated. There’s no retort, no conversation, and for damn sure no freedom. Do what we do, think what we think, or cease to exist. Here’s who thinks like that; dictators, sociopaths, and children. Very nice company, your mother must be proud.
 
What makes it extra egregious in this case is that the Bunnies aren’t even objecting to the material. Nobody on the outside has seen a script yet! They’re objecting to the idea that a person holding views other than their own can find gainful employment. The Nazis think that’s a little over-the-top.

In America circa 2013, though that’s business as usual. We don’t have conversations any more, about anything. God forbid we actually struggle with ideas. The Soft and Fuzzy Bunnies kill you with hypocrisy. They preach tolerance and love, but don’t be fooled by the downy pelt. That rabbit has teeth! Walk in lock step or feel the pain. Boycott, censor, silence, eliminate, demonize.

I like the free market of ideas. I like the idea of talking back to alternatives and building better ideas. Do you know who fears alternative viewpoints? Bullies and morons. Bullies need to have control. Doesn’t impress me. Morons know they’ll lose. Again, not impressed.

So no, I do not agree with Orson Scott Card on the subject of gay marriage. So what? That’s a question we need to start asking more often. I don’t think Card has any intention of painting much of his politics into Superman, but even if he did, why should I worry about that? I’ll just talk back to it, like I have to talk back to the LEGION of comics feeding me a steady diet of Lefty Donkey Kool-Aid.

The most important skill you can have in the 21st century is critical thinking. Neuro-linguistic programming and the science of bullshit is so advanced, you stand no chance if you don’t start flexing your “talk-back” muscles early and continuously develop them. Naturally, America has completely abandoned the philosophy of philosophy in favor of “My way or……yup, that’s it. My way.” Thomas Paine would throw up if he could see us now.

Bunnies, I almost get it. Some of you out there are legitimately interested in a better world, and not just fascism. That’s admirable. But you don’t need to worry about Superman stories. If your ideas are better, you’ll win the conversation. The point is to protect the conversation. Don’t be afraid of bad ideas. Be afraid for your freedom. So few people on this ball of mud have ever enjoyed the right to say stupid shit. It’s a very precious jewel. Stop being fascists. Thus endeth the lesson.

As always, you are welcome to 'talk back' to this blog. Please leave your comments, be they similar to mine or not, below.